Help. . .

I have no idea what else to do… I have been acting like a complete jerk! I have been rude, upset, and ungrateful. I dont know what to do anymore… I cant stand hurting people that I love… BUT I guess I just dont care anymore about being nice… I just want to be me and to not worry about always trying to uphold the Pastor kids standards…

Living in Alaska is quite hard and its something that not every one likes. I am one of those people. I don't not like Alaska because of the people or my family. I want to leave Alaska because it is cold, small, and everyone knows everyone else. Since I am a Pastors Kid(Now Alaska Nazarene District Superintendent’s kid) EVERYONE feels like its their civil duty to spy on me and keep tabs on me and then report everything back to my parents. I am sick and tired of being “worried” about from people that aren't even my family!?! I wish that people would just mind their own business and stop trying to be in mine! Don’t get me wrong I love everyone in our church, I have grown up with them loving me and teaching me and guiding me… But now that I am almost 18 years old, its getting kind of old… I’m tired of being watched. AND IM NOT EVEN A BAD KID!!! I don’t go out there and do drugs or drink alcohol. The worst that I have ever done in my life is skip school!!! And I have only skipped school while my parents have known about it… THAT DOESNT mean that Im a bad kid… So why do I have to have people “watching” out for me all the time!?! THAT is the VERY main reason that I cant wait to get out of Alaska! In California, no one except my family knows me and some parents of kids that I taught to swim this last summer. I can have a fresh start! I am not know as the D.S.’s kid or the Pastors Kid anymore! I cant wait to be known as Elizabeth, not Stephen’s sister, or Becki’s sister, or Pastor Paul’s daughter!! I just cant wait to be ME!! And not have to worry about people keeping tabs on anymore! Im tired of trying to be the perfect kid!!! I cant do it anymore!!! I just want to be me! And not have to try and be the one that knows everything about the bible or has all the right answers or is the perfect kid… There isnt anyone perfect and I sure enough cant be the 1st! I have so many things that I am going through and no one even has the slightest clue because I put on my “happy face” and act like everything is okay and that nothings bothering me…

And just to let all you readers know…. I KNOW THAT EVERYTHINGS NOT ABOUT ME!!!!! You dont have to tell me that because I know.. I know that there are alot of people out there with a heck a lot more problems then me. I have had a good life. A roof over my head, food on the table for every meal, clean clothes, running water, a toilet, a loving family, and kind friends… I KNOW that I am not the center of attention.. Frankly I hate it when Its all about me. I would much rather be in the back of the crowd and not be noticed…

Help… I dont know what to do… I feel extremely bad about hurting my family with my words and actions… Im at the point where I dont know where to turn anymore…. Help. . .